Care Giving 101 - Part 1
First off let me say, our mother had polio as a child. She was paralyzed neck down for several months at age 12. Thankfully she was a big girl and pretty much had her full growth. Even so she was told her she would never walk again and certainly have no children. As her eldest daughter of 3 children, need I say more about her determination?
So growing up, my siblings and I were accustomed to helping out around the house. Mom would say "we are going to...." (take out the garbage, mow the lawn, do the floors, clean the kitchen, you fill in the blank) which always meant YOU are going to do the following, as mom had very little body strength. But always in "control"!
It was quite "normal" for us, as children, to step up and get things done around the house. As children we cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, grocery shopping, etc in addition to school, homework and eventually part time jobs in high school...while mom and dad both worked full time. I by no means looked at it as "child labor".
Personally, I feel I'm a better person for it. Never shying away from work, it taught me good work ethics that has served me well for the rest of my life.
Care Giving 101 - Fast Forward 40 years!
Children are pretty resilient. However you're raised, you grow up thinking that's "normal". But add 40 years to the mix, having been a parent yourself, coming "home" to take care of parents, or "parenting" as I call it, is not so "normal". Somehow you have parents who are now as needy as children, yet you have the dynamics of them being your parents and it becomes a very confusing set of circumstances.
You go through school for many years, work for employers with ongoing training, you learn how to be a spouse, a parent. But there are NO CLASSES EVER TAUGHT ON HOW TO BE A CARE GIVER TO YOUR PARENTS!!!
First and foremost I always try to remember what someone told me : "parents, like children, enjoy them while you have them" How true. No matter how old I get, I will always want my parents in my life. I can't imagine being without them. Yet I am watching them gradually fade. Both of them are in power chairs. (I call them "Powerless" chairs, because once you sit down in one, you very likely will not get out of it!)
I had the privilege of helping to care for my mother in law before she succumbed to cancer. She was one of the best friends I've ever had in life! (odd I know, but true nevertheless) But I learned through that ordeal that we all need help coming into this world and we all will need help leaving it.
Taking Care of Parents That Never Took Care of Parents
The crazy thing is a lot of elderly parents never had to care for their own parents. Their parents never lived long enough for them to do so. Consequently they really don't "get" how it is to be a caregiver to their own parents. But with life expectancy extended for many, it is now a very real possibility if you live long enough, you could be caring for an elderly parent.
We are trying very hard to keep the parents as "independent" as possible. I call it independently dependent. The horror stories you hear about nursing homes is gut wrenching. So the longer they can stay on their own the better. We'll cross that bridge if and when we have to.
It becomes a huge financial quagmire trying to figure out how to keep them in their home and connect the dots to care for them. Our mother has always been extremely detail oriented and takes the time to understand how to take full advantage of any programs our parents qualify for. Thankfully!!! Nevertheless, all 3 of their children are jumping through hoops trying to keep up with the relentless doctor visits, errands, and grocery lists.
The Never Ending Grocery List
The grocery list can change daily, as they forget an item just after you return from 3 stores to retrieve what you thought were all the items they needed. I think they would have us go to the store(s) daily if they could! But we do keep it to 2 or 3 times a week!!! (good thing I own my own business!) They get very OCD about an item they don't have and are like a "dog on a bone" until you get it for them. They may have forgotten the item, but once they remember it, their life revolves around getting it!
60 Year Old "Children"
Funny thing is your parents will always see you as their "child". You never grow up in their eyes. You remain frozen in time somehow. Yet we are getting older, have our own issues, aches, pains, problems. Somehow parents can't quite "get that" either. They expect you to pick up that wheel chair, hoist it over your head and hurl it into the trunk with great ease. "It's not heavy" my mom will say. You "just" need to pick it up and put it in there. "You just" is her preface to anything she can't do and you need to do. You "just" need to roll up the carpet, you "just" need to paint the deck, you "just" ... "you just" get the picture?
Futuristic Health Nuts
Now I want to preface this next section with: Mom and Dad have always had an affinity for the "holistic" way of life. Throughout the years, they would talk about some crazy supplement or food. We'd dismiss it as "oh brother" and try to humor them. Then low and behold, a few months or couple years later we'd hear "Dr Oz" or Readers Digest or the news, someone else talking about the same exact supplement or food, reporting how beneficial it is and has just been discoverd!!! All the while Mom and Dad had been ahead of the curve, taking that weird supplement eating that odd food, paying absolutely no attention to any belittling of what they were doing. Now, once again vindicated! Over and over this has been the case!! Now my sister and I joke that if mom and dad are taking something or eating something "weird" we'd better pay attention to them, it will be all the rage in a year!!!
Bowels and Weather Conversations
I live next door to them now and good thing too! I have three "shifts" daily. I go over every morning and get breakfast for them. Check on them every day early afternoon and do the night shift to tuck them in.They definitely have a "routine"! Breakfast: 2 poached eggs each and every day, hot tea for both, My dad drinks a giant mug of hot chicken broth doused with cayenne pepper, a huge cup of coffee with olive oil drizzled into it and a glass of coconut milk along with one avocado.
Mom? She has a special "cereal" made especially for her from quinoa every week, along with a cooked fruit concoction she puts on top of it. All in the name of her "bowels" , to get things moving along. This is how you KNOW you're dealing with older folks, when the conversation revolves around the weather and their bowels!!
Every day the topic is going to be about the last bowel movement and what the weather did and will do! If I were a betting woman, I'd lay down good money that will be the morning topic tomorrow!
Seeing firsthand what I've feared for years.. myself!
I see myself in both my Dad and Mom. Genetics and environment, whatever it is, I seem to be a "mix" of the two of them. . I'm a "health nut", I catch myself saying "you just"...Talking about the weather...so far "bowels" are not a hot topic... YET! I have learned a LOT! If you live long enough you' will need help too. So be good to your parents, while you have them.. Though "parenting" has it's challenges, it certainly is a privilege to have them in my life. All things are temporary, remembering that helps me cope with "losing" them a little each day.
My mother has a strong singing voice even to this day. One day when dad heard mom singing, my dad fondly commented with tears in his eyes, "even angels are jealous of her voice".
My dad has a great sense of humor. My mom laughs a lot. I want to forever remember them laughing at the breakfast table.They are a strange but perfectly suited couple, my parents. I'll always love them, I just hope I can continue to be a daughter that is deserving of their love.
A million years ago, when I was a child, I never imagined I would help care for my parents in their old age. Why would I? They just don't teach this stuff in school.
Are you a caregiver? What are some of the challenges you face? How do you cope? Any tips??
Helping YOU to Select the Best Health,
Sherry
